St. Paul, Minn., prosecutor Susan Gaertner really has no perspective. As part of a general review of pre-1995 convictions won by her office, using DNA evidence, she discovered that David Brian Sutherlin wasn't really guilty of the rape for which he spent 17 years in jail. The New York Times quoted Gaertner as saying, "I'm not proud that we goofed." Goofed? A goof is spelling the guy's name wrong. This is a major malfunction. Gaertner was quoted elsewhere in the story describing the miscarriage of justice as a "goof," so it wasn't a mere slip of the tongue.

Matters are complicated by the fact that Sutherlin is doing time on a double murder charge, so unless prosecutors botched that conviction too, he's still one bad dude who deserves to be in jail. However, the real rapist (they've identified him but cannot charge him because the statute of limitations ran out) spent the last 17 years free to rape and, if he's a real overachiever, pillage. (Actually, he did pillage. In July, he finished a 4 1/2-year robbery sentence.) If Gaertner thinks allowing a rapist go free for 17 years is a "goof" (never mind falsely convicting Sutherlin in the first place, or that the rape victim is probably freaked out beyond belief), I'm prepared to enlighten her. Below are a few simple examples of innocent goofs and major malfunctions.

Goof: Unwittingly parking your car in a handicapped spot
Major malfunction: Unwittingly parking your car atop a handicapped person

Goof: Calling your current girlfriend by an ex-girlfriend's name
Major malfunction: Calling your current girlfriend a "gap-toothed slaughterhouse whore with a face like a plate of sausage"

Goof: Losing your keys
Major malfunction: Losing your left arm during a game of "I Bet I Can Escape From the Polar Bear Cage Unscathed"

Goof: Stepping in dog doo
Major malfunction: Stepping into another dimension, in which He-Man really is Master of the Universe

Goof: Tripping on a sidewalk crack
Major malfunction: Tripping your face off and mistaking the cat for Nikita Kruschev, saying "Oh, yeah? I will bury you, motherfucker!" while cramming the cat down the garbage disposal unit

I think that clears things up. I know I usually write about music, but I no longer write for a publication that serves as a pipeline for the horrifyingly bad albums that used to make nice Cringe Factor fodder. I also get pissed off about far more significant things than bad music, and prosecutors treating human lives like poker chips or disposable diapers is near the top of the list.

Cringe Factor: 9. How many of you would stand a chance if the government decided you were guilty?