Edge of Arrival (Oracular Laboratory Recordings) by The Apes of God holds the world record for Most Money Spent on a Total Piece of Dung. The collection of spoken word pieces comes in a snazzy CD case with a lavish, full-color insert with lyrics, photos, etc, and multimedia content including a digital video. Someone has too much money for their own good.

The background music isn’t altogether offensive. It’s rather innocuous. Read silently, the spoken word pieces aren’t frighteningly crummy. They just read like stuff from folks who think themselves poets after taking a creative writing class in college, people whose friends can’t muster the courage to tell them their poetry is sheer hackwork. Together, however, the words and poetry combine to create an annoying, pretentious horror show that only overwrought theater majors and failed writers who don’t drink heavily can appreciate.

The best spoken word stuff is basically stand-up comedy (The serious stuff always sounds conspicuously arty), and nothing on Edge of Arrival is funny. One piece makes fun of Art Deco, an inherently hilarious topic somehow overlooked by comedians and satirists for years. In a fit of creativity, someone decided to title it "Art Deco" and scribble couplets like "Have you ever been to Egypt,/Set foot near a pyramid?/Have you ever been to Japan,/Tasted a squid?/Have you ever been to England,/And sat with a lord?/Do it right here . . . Art Deco." Sometimes speaker Gilbert Marhoefer (His real name is probably Joe Blatz) decides to whisper "Art Deco" for effect, and the track clocks in at a life-threatening seven minutes and 22 goddam seconds. Mutilated fetuses evoke more laughter.

I can’t bring myself to list any more horrible lyrics, because I wouldn’t want to do that to you, dear reader. Reading bad poetry is almost as depressing as listening to a bunch of bozos recite it in ridiculously over-theatrical tones.

Real poets beat up these jokers for cheap thrills. Cringe Factor: 7.3.